Happy or Right? The Core Question

Speaker 1 0:53

Could you talk a bit to the phrase you've used a bit about do you want to be happy or do you want to be right ? Yes , could you elaborate on that ? Yes , can you please ? In relationship , where we are trying to reconcile the difference of perspective , to cooperate , to co-operate , to operate in agreement , harmony with generosity , with a willingness to support and nurture each other , the space to grow together , to be generous in surrendering preference , so that there is just a what's the word ? When there is an abundance , let's just say abundance . When there is an abundance , let's just say abundance . When there is an abundance of goodwill , a surplus , a surplus of goodwill . That's an ideal dynamic right .

Speaker 1 2:09

And invariably , when we're coming together at different points , we're going to experience the same thing in a different way and it may trigger one or both at the same time to retreat and be less capable of being expressive of all those high qualities that I just described . When we're triggered , we can retreat in ourselves , become mistrusting , a little afraid , and then project onto the other as perhaps

The Problem with Self-Righteousness

Speaker 1 2:44

the object of the discomfort , the mistrust whatever , discomfort , the mistrust whatever . And in the recognition that that's taken place in any conscious relationship , there is a moment where we're like , okay , let's try and reconcile this , let's resolve it , let's bring the best of ourselves to the table to have a conversation about what's going on right now . And , as a part of the couples therapy that I conduct , I always lay out in the first session this principle that if you lead with self-righteousness , if reconciliation is only dependent on the other , conceding to your perspective before you are willing to be open to theirs , you're screwed . It's going to be a very unhappy , unhealthy relationship .

Speaker 1 3:54

Whereas if you can adopt as a principle , as a value within the relationship , I am going to surrender the need to be right as the starting point , which is to say I need you to acknowledge that I'm right because the way you've behaved is wrong . I need to know that I'm right , that you know that I'm right , and once you've demonstrated sufficiently that I'm right , then I'll start listening to you , whereas if you start with , I'm going to relinquish the need to be right right now , because

Surrendering the Need to Be Right

Speaker 1 4:34

I recognize that the relationship is entirely dependent on the generosity of love and attention and the nurturing of the third thing , which is the space in between us . So , rather than me throwing in demands for you to adapt to my demands , I'm going to step back and I'm going to settle myself , because you really pissed me off . And then I'm going to just say I would like for you to express yourself and all I want to do is understand your perspective and to listen . And what you're doing is conceding the need to be right in order to give happiness oxygen to breathe . Happiness is connection , unity , all the beautiful things that I described . The generosity to flow again the love . I described . The generosity to flow again the love . If you can train yourself to just let go of needing to be right and go . Just , I'm listening . I might not have a happy look on my face because I'm still processing my stuff , but I'm listening with an open heart here . And then , when they express themselves , even if they trigger you by saying something , you and you and you because it can't be contingent on them being willing to not be right you have to be willing to allow them to be right it's like , okay , I'm going to let you be right for a minute and then I'm going to relay to you everything I heard . This is what I heard , do I understand you ? And they'll be like , yes , you understood everything I just said . Great , so I've learned a lot from that and I can appreciate your perspective . Now do I have permission to speak , to respond , and , to the extent that you're able to share your perspective in sort of gentle language but still articulate your position , say well , this is how I felt . And you can pose a question like how do we reconcile this as opposed to , this is how we need to reconcile this Immediately .

Speaker 1 7:08

Immediately , the fact that you've already said I'm here to listen opens up the floodgates for love , because you're just sitting there and listening . Half the problem is just the need to be right . You know , becoming indignant . No , that's what it just adds fuel and fuel and fuel , and the fire gets stronger and stronger and stronger , whereas you just take the fuel out by just sitting and listening and going no , you got the floor Explain to me . Let's get through this . Let's not continue this . This is not us . We're about connection and understanding . I want to understand . Go hit me and demonstrate that . And what are you doing ? It's

The Art of Active Listening

Speaker 1 7:56

love .

Speaker 1 7:57

Surrendering a preference is the greatest act of love . It's how we love . I love how we love . I love you enough to not be right right now , and it causes the heart to open , and then you get back into that juicy . Okay , so you've got that and I've got to do this , and maybe it's to do with how my dad used to treat me . Of a sudden it ceases . You cease projecting onto each other as the object and you start collectively sharing your own insights about what's the root cause of the trigger , and that's when we're really cooking with gas in our growth . Yeah , so that's a sort of a more fleshed out version of what I meant . Yeah , it's so helpful . I mean , you know I just , in any relationship that doesn't have this , you know it's like it's tough . How do you recover ? It's tough . So if you haven't practiced that , give it a whirl .