Speaker 1: 0:53

My question is about boundaries, specifically boundaries being violated. I've been seeing someone recently and I set very clear boundaries as to what I was capable of in terms of relating to another person right now, and that boundary was violated. Violated feels like too Crossed.

Speaker 2: 1:20

Crossed, yeah, the boundary was crossed.

Speaker 1: 1:22

Yeah, the boundary was crossed and there was open communication throughout that whole thing, but ultimately I just had to say that's it. The consequence of crossing the boundary is I now step away, as I told you I would, and I thought that would feel good and it so doesn't. Yeah, I, I assume that ultimately it will, because I know I've done it for myself and you know like, uh, but it just feels yucky I feel what, what feels yucky about it.

Speaker 1: 1:58

Perhaps disappointing someone or taking something away from a person that was making them feel good, even if it wasn't necessarily making me feel good. Yeah, yeah, it's felt yucky.

Speaker 2: 2:11

Okay, so perhaps we've thrown the baby out with the bath water. Well, you know, when somebody, when you set a boundary and somebody's over oversteps it, um, it's an opportunity to reiterate um, yeah, I mean, I, I generally operate with like three strikes, four strikes, you're out. And you know, if I set a boundary with somebody and they overstep it, I've set a boundary for a particular reason. Right, when you set a boundary and you articulate that boundary, it's because there's some dynamic that's not sustainable, where you feel like this person is constantly overreaching, not sensitive to your sensibility and violating it. Right, and so you're like okay, look, I like hanging out with you. However, I feel like I need to communicate something to you. There's something that you do. I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy it, I don't appreciate it, and I want to make that clear to you that I would like that to not happen anymore. And if you do, I'm likely to step back or I'm going to let you know that you've done that. Are you in agreement with that? And they generally say yes, and if they are, then you've got this agreement with the boundary and then, when they overstep it, I generally bring it to their attention immediately so that I don't brew on it and don't leave it too long, but I do it gently. I go ah, you know how I communicated that thing last week. I suspect you're not aware of it Always give them the benefit of the doubt.

Speaker 2: 3:53

We always want to lead with compassion. I suspect you're not aware of it, but you just did it again. Were you aware of it? And you ask the question and then you open up a conversation because boundaries are not defense mechanisms. We need to understand this. We don't set boundaries to protect ourselves. We set boundaries as a language of love. Now, there are times where you need to set boundaries for protection, no-transcript. But as meditators, moving in the direction of becoming self-sufficient and in our power. In our power means that we are empowering ourselves with compassion for ourselves and others and love. We lead with love. And so, in leading with love and leading with compassion, we don't need to defend ourselves. We are willing to remain open and vulnerable if it feels a little scary, in the name of growing and creating an opportunity for the other to experience our most authentic self, because this is what we yearn for. We yearn for connection, we yearn to be seen and we yearn to love as well.

Speaker 2: 5:14

Setting boundaries is a way in which we show other people how we wish to be interacted with, aka how to be loved. When somebody presents their boundaries and you honor those boundaries, they feel so cared for, so respected, so loved and generally what happens is those boundaries start to get wider and more translucent until they're no longer there and there's so much trust and trust and willingness for openness that growth happens. And that's where we want to be in all of our relationship dynamics, heart open and desiring to deepen the connection with each other, to understand ourselves through each other. And so you have that desire. And here's this individual that has behaved in a particular way and you've come in and gone. No, that is not on. Whatever it is that's happened. And then he's done it again and you've gone. You've done it again. See you later.

Speaker 2: 6:36

The reason why it doesn't feel good is because the see you later is a defense mechanism. The boundary was set out of defensiveness. It wasn't set out of love. It wasn't consciously set as an opportunity to cause elevation between you. You felt violated and perhaps threatened, unsafe. And now, when I say you set it in defense and not love, this is not a judgment nor a criticism. You did that for a reason. Now, it may have been a very good reason. It may have been a very good reason. You may well have been in danger. I don't know the circumstances and I'm certainly not going to run a commentary on that until I have a lot more information about what the dynamic is. But the fact that you don't feel good about it and you're still thinking about it means that there is probably not probably definitely an opportunity here for you to explore how you can drop your defenses, see if you can maintain your power and see if you can maintain connection with this person whilst maintaining the integrity of your power, while maintaining that boundary, without going.

Speaker 2: 8:00

Nah, see you later, boom, detonate the whole thing. Can you stay there, assert the boundary and and go, but I'm staying here and if he overreaches again, go. Ah, you're doing it again. And what's happening? When you do this, you're demonstrating love yourself because you're saying I can overcome the fear of being hurt, I have the power to assert boundaries, I have the capability to articulate what my needs are and I'm looking to see whether this person has the capacity to honor the relationship dynamic. And if they are unable to, after like two or three more times. Then you're like nah, maybe I'm kind of wasting my time here. You know, this is not somebody that I can play jazz with. I'm jamming, you know, because this is what it's like, we're jamming the heart's jam. You're doing this, I'm doing that, we're playing at the same tune. Oh, improvisation.

Speaker 2: 9:05

And the next thing, you know, we're all getting down, we're having, we want to qualify the other as somebody that is compatible with our style of being, and if there is, but there's just blind spots, we've all got blind spots, and the cultivation and the development of any relationship requires patience coming back together again, pulling away for a moment, coming back together again, listening to each other, honoring each other's boundaries, demonstrating that we understand the boundary and that we respect it, and that we'll alter our behavior in order to go hey, I'm listening to you. You said you wanted to be loved in this way. I'm doing it. And what does that do? It causes the heart to open. The listening to you. You said you wanted to be loved in this way. Ta-da, I'm doing it. And what does that do? It causes the heart to open, the heart to swell.

Speaker 2: 10:03

When we're running away, it's because we have a memory of something that's hurt us in the past, unless, of course, this incident actually really hurt you. It's a new, fresh wound. And if that's the case, know you have to reconcile whether you're you know you're up for that again or not. But if it's an old wound that's being poked and prodded and this person doesn't really pose as any great threat and they are willing, then I say re-enter the arena and and and turn it into a creative, evolutionary experience, because you know we can shut down on people. And it does make us feel bad. And it does make us feel bad because the truth is we want our hearts to be open to as many people as we possibly can be. And if somebody has demonstrated the capacity, if there has been some connection, and then all of a sudden it's gone, it's like ripping something out of our hearts, it's like ugh, it hurts, because that's just our nature we love to be connected in the heart.